A Christian’s Worst Nightmare:

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…Someone who used to be one of them, but later accepted the truth.  I have no religious preference.  I’m not a Christian, not Jewish, not Muslim, not Pagan, not Buddhist, not an atheist.  I  prefer not to categorize myself at all, and apparently that scares the shit out of some people.  Why do people worry about what I think? I’m not out knocking on your door trying to convert you to my “belief system.”  I’m not looking for followers, friends, relationships.  I guess I’m a threat to the christian community though.

I once professed “salvation” in an independent, fundamental, baptist church.  I sang in a choir, sang solos, helped in the nursery, “witnessed” to people, prayed, read my bible.  What changed for me?  How could I be so cold?  For starters, everything that I ever did in church was because I was forced to by my legal guardians.  I didn’t grow up with real parents.  I grew up in the household of a baptist minister and his wife.  This man began molesting me when I was 3-4 years of age.  He took pornographic photos of me during the week, and preached hell and damnation to his congregation on Sundays.  I still have those photos, believe it or not, but I was about two years too late for the statute of limitations when I finally reported it.  This man installed a two-way mirror through his closet to his daughter’s bedroom, that looked like just a mirror to her, but was a window on his side.  He told her not to get dressed when she got out of the shower until she was back in her bedroom (so he could see her naked).  When I was entering puberty, he started having talks to me about how masturbation and sexual experimenting were perfectly normal things to do at my age.  He always ended the talks with, “don’t tell [his wife] because she wouldn’t understand.”  She was stuck up and didn’t have the same type of “bond” that he and I had… according to him.  He molested my younger sister when she was old enough to attract his interests.  He would ask her to go lay in his single bed and watch television under his blankets with him.

Can someone inform me of how a just god allows these things to happen?  My “guardian” began giving me narcotics when I was 12 years old.  It started as a pill here and there:  oxycodone, hydrocodone… (vicodin, percocet, lortab, oxycontin).  It was gradual and I was always warned to keep it a secret, but slowly started to feel the need to ask for pills on a weekly basis.  I was 13 my freshman year of high school, when I told a 17 year old guy that I was dating that I was able to get all these drugs.  All I had to do was tell my baptist preacher guardian that a friend of mine wanted some vicodin, and he was eager to please.  He had to constantly keep his “girls” dependent on him in one way or another.  Money, pills, clothes, electronics… whatever it took to keep him the center of your world and your affections, he was willing to do it.

My entire childhood was that way.  As long as I was worshiping him, he would give me the world.  Control is ultimately the name of the game.  When confronted about any issues, everyone in the family has always made excuses for him; that sexual mischief is one of his weaknesses that the “devil” uses to tempt him and hold him back with.  He always turns to god for forgiveness and sweeps everything under his Jesus rug.

Why would someone like me ever go astray from my glorious Christian upbringing?  Well, I’ve just merely scratched the surface.